Post by Amberstar on Jan 5, 2013 15:30:04 GMT -5
I'll say this now, this is not PG13 all too much. If you're emotionally scarred easily or stomach queesy over things, then I don't advise you read this. Everything in this story is true, and I'm not afraid to admit that this happened. If you do choose to read this, I don't want pity or sympathy. It's a work of art, and that's why I'm posting it.
If you are against what you're reading, I ask that you keep your comments to yourself. Thank you.
If you are against what you're reading, I ask that you keep your comments to yourself. Thank you.
Angel Wings
December 2011: The end of the year was coming to a close. I don't know what was up, but I had been starting to feel weird. Like something was off.
I wasn't feeling too well. I was already three weeks late for my period and it was a week into December. I thought that was strange, but it created a fear deep in my mind.
It was obvious of my fears. Two months ago, I was being lazy about my birth control pills. I figured using a condom should be enough and stressing over birth control was silly. I convinced myself that I'd start the pill again soon. It obviously didn't happen.
I didn't want to tell my boyfriend of ten months my fears. I'm sure he would be more worried than I was. In fact, I didn't tell anyone. I walked down to the nearest doller store one day and bought two one doller tests.
I hid them in my purse and kept them there until the following morning. I woke up a bit earlier before school and took one. A couple of minutes later, to lines appeared. Two lines meaning pregnancy.
I sat there in shock. That couldn't be right. It had to be wrong. It had to be defective. I pulled out the second one and took that one.
As I waited, I felt tears gathering in my eyes. I refused to watch the test. Maybe if I didn't look at it, then it would go away. Obviously, expecting that was silly.
I looked over reluctantly and there it was. Two lines again. That was it. That was the end of it. I was fifteen years old and pregnant by my seventeen year old boyfriend.
Instantly, all of my tears I had been saving up let out. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to end up with a baby in high school. How would I tell anyone?
I wiped my tears away and sighed. I was so shocked and confused. How would I tell my mom? More importantly, how would I tell Austin?
I decided to keep it a secret from everyone. I went to school that day and avoided everyone. I was scared someone would be able to look at my face and be able to tell that I was pregnant.
Nobody questioned me. I kept silent, trying to process this in my head. I tried not to cry, but it was so hard not to.
The next few days of that week were hard. I had no idea what to do. Abortion was out of the question. I was unsure about adoption. Being a teen mom would change my life forever, no matter what I did. This wasn't going to be easy.
I wasn't sure if it was normal, but I felt and instant connection to my baby. I felt instant love. I knew I would protect him or her if it meant my life. Was that normal? To love something that much that you've only been aware of a few days? As time pressed on, so did my confusion.
Soon it was Christmas break and it had already been two weeks since I had found out. I finally brought it up to Austin, but brought it up as a "I think" and "What if I was" issue. I couldn't tell him I actually knew that I was.
He seemed terrified at first. All he could say was "this isn't good". After that were a series of questions, and I couldn't answer a single one of them. Everything was so confusing and I was so overwhelmed. I was getting irritated and I just wanted to tell him to shut up. But I didn't, I just told him that I didn't know.
Then he asked what I'd do if I was. I told him I didn't know, and then he brought up abortion. I never felt so much anger and defence in my entire life.
"NO!!" was my reply. Never ever. How could he think of such a muderous thing? How!? That made my stomach feel sick. Just then, I longed to tell him everything. But I kept my mouth shut.
"I mean...abortion is wrong" I said, calming down a little bit. To my relief, he agreed with me and dropped the subject. What if he wanted me to, but just said he agreed to calm me down? This was getting harder and harder.
This was all online, so I stopped typing for a while and just stared at the wall of my room and cried. I held my belly with two hands and said "I won't hurt you ever. I'm going to protect you and keep you safe." I promised, wiping the wet tears from my face.
I quickly told Austin that we'd figure it out. Then, I couldn't help myself. It had been nagging me for day. I brought up the subject of names, "if I was". It was so soon, but I really wanted to talk about it.
"If we have a boy, let's name him after you" I laughed a little to myself, knowing he hated his name.
"No. My child won't be cursed with my name...at least not the Mark part" (his actual name was Mark Austin Riviere)
I thought for a few minutes, twisting around different names. "How about Austin Daniel Riviere?" I asked.
"Make it Daniel Austin Riviere and we have a deal" he said back.
I agreed to the name and thought about it with a smile. I loved this baby so much already. I already wanted to hold him or her in my arms. I didn't care if I was a teenager. I loved my baby, and I was going to be a mommy.
"What if it's a girl...if you are?" he asked.
At the same time I said "Aubree" he said "I like the name Olivia". I thought, and then said "How about Aubree Olivia Riviere?" feeling my heart swell with happiness and love.
"I love it, babe" he said. Maybe I could tell him soon. But, not yet. I didn't want anyone to know yet. Only me and my precious child, for now.
I told Austin I was going to bed and fell asleep once it got to be 3:00 AM. I slept nearly all day and woke up in the afternoon.
I could smell a beef roast cooking. My stomach turned and my head was spinning. I burried my face in my pillow. The smell was so disgusting, I wanted to be sick. I struggled to keep the smell away, but I failed miserably. My stomach turned and I tried so hard not to get sick.
Instead of getting up to throw up, though, I just lay in bed and didn't move. I looked over at the time, and it was already passed 4 in the afternoon. Had I been sleeping all day?
I got up and grabbed my laptop from the side of the bed. I turned it on and went to skype right away and saw that Austin was online. Almost right away, he sent a good afternoon message to me, and I smiled.
The sickness started to fade, and I finally decided that today was the day that I'd tell him. He deserved to know just as much as I did. So, I finally told him. I was definitely pregnant.
There it was again. "This isn't good" and all of the questions. All he said in the end was "I guess I'm going to be a dad" and then got offline, and he didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
I was worried until the next day. I woke up and some of the tension faded when he asked me "How are you and Aubree?"
And that made me feel better and made it feel more real. "So...the baby is for sure a girl now?" I asked, smiling. His reply was "Yeah. I just have a feeling that we're going to have a beautiful girl"
I couldn't have agreed more. We were going to hae a little Aubree Olivia Riviere and she's was already the best thing in my life. I couldn't possibly love anyone else more.
The last bit of December came up and I started bleeding. I got worried, but the internet assured me that sometimes bleeding was normal as long as there was no super heavy flow. So, I ignored it. But then I started cramping bad, and the flow got heavier. I got extremely worried at that point.
January 2012: 2011 ended, but I was still bleeding and cramping. If it didn't end soon, I'd have to tell my mom.
A few days passed. On the night of January 4, 2012, the bleeding stopped for a bit, and I felt relieved. Aubree might be okay still, and that was good.
Finally it hit midnight, and it was now the 5th. I was tired, so I told Austin goodnight. I was thirsty after that, though, so I got up and walked to the kitchen. As soon as I got the orange juice out and started to pour it, though, I felt a super sharp pain. I almost fell to the ground, but I held onto the counter for support. Ow!
It was dark and I couldn't see a thing, but I could definitely feel still. I felt a big "gush" and then felt a wet feeling down my legs. My heart stopped for a moment as fear and panic gripped it tightly.
I ran to the bathroom, even though I was in pain. I prepared myself for the worst as I pulled down my pants. My pants and underwear were drenched in blood. In the middle of all of the blood was my underdeveloped, very small child.
I instantly started crying, feeling like the air was just knocked out of me. All I could whisper was "No...no!" over and over through the tears. My whole world was crushed. I sat ther for a few minutes. What was I supposed to do with her? I sat there, telling Aubree over and over that I was sorry.
I held her and wiped some of the blood off, kissing her softly. I rocked her in my cradled hands for a few minutes. Then, I wrapped her gently in more tissue, trying hard not to choke and scream through my tears. I told her "I love you" and regretfully flushed my baby down the toilet.
I didn't sleep at all that night or the next day. I only cried and felt empty. My life didn't seem worth living anymore.
January 5, 2013: It's been one year. It's been a horrible roller coaster with my emotions. Some days I felt stronger while others I felt like dying. I've had a series of amazing dreams of being able to hold Aubree and play with her. But, I've also had nightmares of losing her. I still sometimes blame myself, although I know there's nothing I could have done.
Austin is no longer in my life at all. He no longer wants connection with me, not even as friend. We were off and on when summer of 2012 started, but we really ended at 1 year 3 months. It sort of makes me sad, but I'll be ok.
We came up ith what she'd look like, though. She'd look like me when I was a kid. Dark long wavy hair and the same face and nose. But her eyes would be dark like her daddy's and she'd have his natural tan skin. Oh, and her favorite color is purple. She told me so in my dream once.
Right now, it's 12:26 on January 5th, just a bit passed midnight. It's been a year...
I still miss Aubree to death. I think about her every day. Everytime I see a baby, I wonder what it would have been like.
I've got my crying out for now, but now I have to be strong for her.
I wasn't feeling too well. I was already three weeks late for my period and it was a week into December. I thought that was strange, but it created a fear deep in my mind.
It was obvious of my fears. Two months ago, I was being lazy about my birth control pills. I figured using a condom should be enough and stressing over birth control was silly. I convinced myself that I'd start the pill again soon. It obviously didn't happen.
I didn't want to tell my boyfriend of ten months my fears. I'm sure he would be more worried than I was. In fact, I didn't tell anyone. I walked down to the nearest doller store one day and bought two one doller tests.
I hid them in my purse and kept them there until the following morning. I woke up a bit earlier before school and took one. A couple of minutes later, to lines appeared. Two lines meaning pregnancy.
I sat there in shock. That couldn't be right. It had to be wrong. It had to be defective. I pulled out the second one and took that one.
As I waited, I felt tears gathering in my eyes. I refused to watch the test. Maybe if I didn't look at it, then it would go away. Obviously, expecting that was silly.
I looked over reluctantly and there it was. Two lines again. That was it. That was the end of it. I was fifteen years old and pregnant by my seventeen year old boyfriend.
Instantly, all of my tears I had been saving up let out. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to end up with a baby in high school. How would I tell anyone?
I wiped my tears away and sighed. I was so shocked and confused. How would I tell my mom? More importantly, how would I tell Austin?
I decided to keep it a secret from everyone. I went to school that day and avoided everyone. I was scared someone would be able to look at my face and be able to tell that I was pregnant.
Nobody questioned me. I kept silent, trying to process this in my head. I tried not to cry, but it was so hard not to.
The next few days of that week were hard. I had no idea what to do. Abortion was out of the question. I was unsure about adoption. Being a teen mom would change my life forever, no matter what I did. This wasn't going to be easy.
I wasn't sure if it was normal, but I felt and instant connection to my baby. I felt instant love. I knew I would protect him or her if it meant my life. Was that normal? To love something that much that you've only been aware of a few days? As time pressed on, so did my confusion.
Soon it was Christmas break and it had already been two weeks since I had found out. I finally brought it up to Austin, but brought it up as a "I think" and "What if I was" issue. I couldn't tell him I actually knew that I was.
He seemed terrified at first. All he could say was "this isn't good". After that were a series of questions, and I couldn't answer a single one of them. Everything was so confusing and I was so overwhelmed. I was getting irritated and I just wanted to tell him to shut up. But I didn't, I just told him that I didn't know.
Then he asked what I'd do if I was. I told him I didn't know, and then he brought up abortion. I never felt so much anger and defence in my entire life.
"NO!!" was my reply. Never ever. How could he think of such a muderous thing? How!? That made my stomach feel sick. Just then, I longed to tell him everything. But I kept my mouth shut.
"I mean...abortion is wrong" I said, calming down a little bit. To my relief, he agreed with me and dropped the subject. What if he wanted me to, but just said he agreed to calm me down? This was getting harder and harder.
This was all online, so I stopped typing for a while and just stared at the wall of my room and cried. I held my belly with two hands and said "I won't hurt you ever. I'm going to protect you and keep you safe." I promised, wiping the wet tears from my face.
I quickly told Austin that we'd figure it out. Then, I couldn't help myself. It had been nagging me for day. I brought up the subject of names, "if I was". It was so soon, but I really wanted to talk about it.
"If we have a boy, let's name him after you" I laughed a little to myself, knowing he hated his name.
"No. My child won't be cursed with my name...at least not the Mark part" (his actual name was Mark Austin Riviere)
I thought for a few minutes, twisting around different names. "How about Austin Daniel Riviere?" I asked.
"Make it Daniel Austin Riviere and we have a deal" he said back.
I agreed to the name and thought about it with a smile. I loved this baby so much already. I already wanted to hold him or her in my arms. I didn't care if I was a teenager. I loved my baby, and I was going to be a mommy.
"What if it's a girl...if you are?" he asked.
At the same time I said "Aubree" he said "I like the name Olivia". I thought, and then said "How about Aubree Olivia Riviere?" feeling my heart swell with happiness and love.
"I love it, babe" he said. Maybe I could tell him soon. But, not yet. I didn't want anyone to know yet. Only me and my precious child, for now.
I told Austin I was going to bed and fell asleep once it got to be 3:00 AM. I slept nearly all day and woke up in the afternoon.
I could smell a beef roast cooking. My stomach turned and my head was spinning. I burried my face in my pillow. The smell was so disgusting, I wanted to be sick. I struggled to keep the smell away, but I failed miserably. My stomach turned and I tried so hard not to get sick.
Instead of getting up to throw up, though, I just lay in bed and didn't move. I looked over at the time, and it was already passed 4 in the afternoon. Had I been sleeping all day?
I got up and grabbed my laptop from the side of the bed. I turned it on and went to skype right away and saw that Austin was online. Almost right away, he sent a good afternoon message to me, and I smiled.
The sickness started to fade, and I finally decided that today was the day that I'd tell him. He deserved to know just as much as I did. So, I finally told him. I was definitely pregnant.
There it was again. "This isn't good" and all of the questions. All he said in the end was "I guess I'm going to be a dad" and then got offline, and he didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
I was worried until the next day. I woke up and some of the tension faded when he asked me "How are you and Aubree?"
And that made me feel better and made it feel more real. "So...the baby is for sure a girl now?" I asked, smiling. His reply was "Yeah. I just have a feeling that we're going to have a beautiful girl"
I couldn't have agreed more. We were going to hae a little Aubree Olivia Riviere and she's was already the best thing in my life. I couldn't possibly love anyone else more.
The last bit of December came up and I started bleeding. I got worried, but the internet assured me that sometimes bleeding was normal as long as there was no super heavy flow. So, I ignored it. But then I started cramping bad, and the flow got heavier. I got extremely worried at that point.
January 2012: 2011 ended, but I was still bleeding and cramping. If it didn't end soon, I'd have to tell my mom.
A few days passed. On the night of January 4, 2012, the bleeding stopped for a bit, and I felt relieved. Aubree might be okay still, and that was good.
Finally it hit midnight, and it was now the 5th. I was tired, so I told Austin goodnight. I was thirsty after that, though, so I got up and walked to the kitchen. As soon as I got the orange juice out and started to pour it, though, I felt a super sharp pain. I almost fell to the ground, but I held onto the counter for support. Ow!
It was dark and I couldn't see a thing, but I could definitely feel still. I felt a big "gush" and then felt a wet feeling down my legs. My heart stopped for a moment as fear and panic gripped it tightly.
I ran to the bathroom, even though I was in pain. I prepared myself for the worst as I pulled down my pants. My pants and underwear were drenched in blood. In the middle of all of the blood was my underdeveloped, very small child.
I instantly started crying, feeling like the air was just knocked out of me. All I could whisper was "No...no!" over and over through the tears. My whole world was crushed. I sat ther for a few minutes. What was I supposed to do with her? I sat there, telling Aubree over and over that I was sorry.
I held her and wiped some of the blood off, kissing her softly. I rocked her in my cradled hands for a few minutes. Then, I wrapped her gently in more tissue, trying hard not to choke and scream through my tears. I told her "I love you" and regretfully flushed my baby down the toilet.
I didn't sleep at all that night or the next day. I only cried and felt empty. My life didn't seem worth living anymore.
January 5, 2013: It's been one year. It's been a horrible roller coaster with my emotions. Some days I felt stronger while others I felt like dying. I've had a series of amazing dreams of being able to hold Aubree and play with her. But, I've also had nightmares of losing her. I still sometimes blame myself, although I know there's nothing I could have done.
Austin is no longer in my life at all. He no longer wants connection with me, not even as friend. We were off and on when summer of 2012 started, but we really ended at 1 year 3 months. It sort of makes me sad, but I'll be ok.
We came up ith what she'd look like, though. She'd look like me when I was a kid. Dark long wavy hair and the same face and nose. But her eyes would be dark like her daddy's and she'd have his natural tan skin. Oh, and her favorite color is purple. She told me so in my dream once.
Right now, it's 12:26 on January 5th, just a bit passed midnight. It's been a year...
I still miss Aubree to death. I think about her every day. Everytime I see a baby, I wonder what it would have been like.
I've got my crying out for now, but now I have to be strong for her.
Aubree, I love you. You are my life, my heart, my strength, my everything. You're my baby girl and no matter how much time passes, I won't forget you. I won't regret you. You are the best part of me that ever was. I'll see you in heaven one day, my angel baby. Fly High.
And, happy birthday, baby. Momma loves you. You are forever and always in my heart.
Love, momma.
And, happy birthday, baby. Momma loves you. You are forever and always in my heart.
Love, momma.
